Well Ain't I just the Shmuck?

Three days before Christmas and the floor under the tree is full of stuff, all wrapped and beautiful. Stuff from Sherry, from Alex, from the dogs. Not a dang thing from me. I believe the stuff from the dogs is there just to make me look bad. Sherry took them somewhere yesterday to get bathed. Ha, it was shopping trip. Sadie doesn't quite get the gist of this gift giving thing. She protects the package from her to me as if she were a lioness and that package her cub. You ought to hear a twelve-week old puppy try to sound like Gunga-din. It's funny, but not funny enough to make an assault. Jeb doesn't care about any of it. Figures the old phart deserves what he gets because it ain't good to eat anyway. So there.

Once the recliner found itself well situated in the living room, Sherry began speaking of how much we need a new set of fireplace tools. Forget it. The old ones are dangerous enough. Then again, new ones would be equally dangerous (to me), so why not take a beating from the best...if it ever came to that. And I would get some husband points for the new ones and that alone would save me for a couple more years. Forget I said forget it.

When Sherry asked Alex what she was getting her dad for Christmas I distinctly heard her say, with a shrug, "I dunno, some old man stuff I guess." See how smart college is making her. She now knows the difference between old man stuff and what everybody else gets. I think she should write the book: Old Man Stuff for Teenagers. That, however, would require teens to read a book that was not assigned to them, so forget that as well.

But the question begs:  What does one give an old man who does not believe he is an old man? I assume here that new socks, ties, shirts, slippers and the like are not considered Old Man stuff since I have gotten that kind of thing my entire life. The child simply does not have the juice to go into a pharmacy and ask for a bunch body regulator stuff. And even if I did ask for regulator stuff, she would most like buy me a clock. In return I did go to Amazon and searched Dummy Teenager's Guide to Growing Up, but apparently that book is still being written. Since 6,000 BC.

But thank goodness, neither Sherry nor Alex are old men. That's going to make the stockings, bathrobes and the like just while. But I might give Sherry some cachet. Just to let her know that old manhood is coming. Which means I might oughta be nicer to Alex. After the cachet I'm gonna need a place to sleep and her dorm floor sounds perfectly good to me.

Comments

[Heidi Bauman]

Hi David,
As always, I enjoy reading your blog. Your symptoms and ailments hit home so much as I am walking through my dads trials and tribulations. My whole family will be in Fargo for Christmas. We are excited to be together but not excited to see the state my dad is in. He is in a scary place- we pray for his strength to return so the drugs are an option. They are not right now. Kidney cancer is for the birds. I hope he enjoys seeing his 8 grandkids as much as they will enjoy seeing their 'papa'. Happy Holidays and eat when you are supposed to! heidi