Sherry just called. Said she had spoken to Dr. Shlaer, told him I feel like crap and we (he) needs to do something about it. I listened as she gave me the details, as if I didn't know them: lethargy, continued swollen legs and feet, no appetite, etc., etc. And I am thinking: What do you want him to do, wave a magic wand? We are dealing with cancer and very serious drugs here and I am not the only Warrior dealing with this, and for many what I am dealing with is a non-starter. Just getting along with Decadron has been a challenge, not to mention whatever Sutent might be doing. And that doesn't even mention my own laziness in seeing to it that I take as good a care of myself as possible.
In other words, if there is a culprit, I think it is David.
Sherry worries that a I nap too much. And I agree with her. Especially after a morning's work. Just staying awake for three or four hours makes me very sleepy. Then I think about before cancer. I never wanted to sleep in the mornings, but boy could I pass out after lunch. One of the reasons I always went home to eat. Instead of soup and sandwich I would have a sandwich and forty winks. But these naps are different. Hard to explain but they demand you lay down, close your eyes and go the land of nod. If I don't, but dinner time I am a bear and almost falling asleep in my plate. So I divide my work day up by threes: Morning, afternoon and night. Oddly, I sometimes feel my very best at night. Then comes ten and David is ready for bed.
I do not drink water as should. Especially the last two weeks. Before that I was a killer on water, but since cutting back on the Decadron, despite my swollen legs, I just have not had the interest. Odd, odd, odd.
As for the lack of muscle development, he sh9uld be real. David Foster could do something about that, even it is just minor exercise. And I know that. Oh so well do I know that. Three years ago I rode a bicycle almost 5,000 miles in one year--outside and on the streets. Now I am repulsed at doing leg lifts. I think it is the medicine, but know the will power is lacking--and that upsets me too. And I wonder why it is lacking, yet I still don't do the exercizes. That's why I am glad I am in physical therapy. They will "make" me do them and that is going to help a lot.
But the effects of these medicines are real. Read any cancer blog and you will come to that realization fast. Sutent alone is a very hard drug to deal with. Throw in Decadron and Dilantin and an anti-depressent and you are doped up pretty well. So well that a healthy person might have no concept of what is really going on inside your body.
But Sherry is right. This is no way to live. I don't want to think that the rest of my life I will have this weird apathy, that I will work from a chair on the back porch, that even a stand-up cocktail party will wear me out. Oh, how I hope Dr. Shlaer has some magic in his wand. But I don't think he does. In the end it is all up to me. For almost 30 months I kicked cancer's arse pretty well. It is time I get back to it. Denial and blaming drugs is one thing; getting past all that as well as possible is my job.
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