This question came from cyber space. It stared at me at the top of a Google search page. "kidney cancer am I going to die," as if the writer is addressing the tumors themselves. A plaintive cry, a pleading if you will. You can almost feel (no, I can feel) the hurt, the fear, the what next and even the "why me?" I remember the day two-plus years ago the internist said I had 24 tumors, that it was "dark... and ominous." At that moment I asked the same question: Am I going to die? And he just repeated himself, "it is dark...and ominous."
Good enough for me. Guess I am going to die. I sat on the back steps. Jeb came over and put his big head on my leg. The spring time was budding all around me. The azaleas were reaching full bloom, the camellias were still budding, new leaves were greening the hardwoods, second daughter was about to have her first baby, my youngest daughter was just about to enter her senior year at high school, Sherry and I, with the greatest rigors of child raising behind us, were finding new frontiers for a couple and..."it is dark... and ominous."
Damn!
I know very well how this fellow or lady feels.
Kidney cancer can kill you. Will kill 12,000 folks plus/minus this year. Could kill you in three weeks or thirty years. Then again, you are more likely (statistically) to find yourself cancer free or at least with the tumors under control, depending on how far the disease has advanced at diagnosis. One day, however, regardless of how well the cancer is controlled, something else is going to kill you. I think one of the things cancer warriors might best face early in the game is that this is a deadly contest. And facing death at an early age (which is anytime under 90) is just awful. But to beat the disease, might be a good idea to understand it is best not to concern yourself with death, but life.
And it is amazing how much life we have in us, regardless of what the experts say about our condition. As an airplane under power must lift off, a human being with reason to live, must live. And that will to live, that need to fly, can only come from within ourselves. Just the word cancer is spelled d-e-a-t-h in the minds of most Americans, but it is not always a death sentence. It is an opportunity to rediscover life, to learn the deeper meaning of taking a breath.
Yes, it was dark...and ominous. Yes, I too wondered, "am I going to die?" Then I decided I was not, at least at that moment. Every moment since has been a blessing. And I will treat every year going forward as a blessing as well. Dying? Be sure not to put it on your schedule...which too many people tend to do.
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