Today I found this question on a Google search that led someone to this blog: How Does Kidney Cancer Feel?
Odd, I thought. Is this from a student doing a term paper, a family member trying to get better into the head of a warrior fighting the disease or somebody who just discovered he or she has it and is trying to get a heads up on the struggle of the future.
At any rate, the question made me think of a reporter standing with a person in front of their storm-ruined home and asking: "So, how does this feel?" And the victim looks back at the reporter with a disgust that says "How the hell do you think this feels?"
Man, talk about a question too complicated for words. I have corresponded with many cancer patients, not just those with kidney cancer,and while the words that come out of their mouths are generally predictable (scary, painful, tiring, etc.) those are only expressions between human beings. And for those who found their cancers soon enough and had them expunged, there is "relieved, blessed and better than ever."
Many people also speak of how they feel in terms of normal human reaction to crisis (shock, anger, resentment, acceptance, etc.). But do any of these answers say anything about how anybody feels? I am not so sure.
Two years into this and I feel weary. An acquaintance, fewer than six weeks into it, feels terrified. Another correspondent who is hoping just to live another three months ("if they are worth living") feels beyond the issue cancer and is more concerned about the end of the road ("I am not frightened about being dead, it is the dying that frightens me.").
Physically, kidney cancer doesn't feel like much of anything, unless it gets into the bone structure, especially the spine. The therapies for it, on the other hand, can make you feel worse than crap, but interestingly enough most warriors just learn to deal with that. If you don't learn to deal with it--and in as positive fashion as you can muster--then you are going to feel much worse.
Since kidney cancer is, in the norm, so slow to spread (or shrink) the tight knit fabric of sympathy (which is hugely important) will begin to fray. Fewer people ask how you are. The crisis, most folks believe, has past. One gentleman was shocked to learn, just this week, that I still have Stage Four cancer. At that point, kidney cancer feels, well, lonely.
Beyond the disease, there are other feelings. Like paying for treatment, keeping your job, supporting your family, planning for their welfare if you are gone. Oddly, for many warriors this is the worst part. The cancer is there. You either beat it or you don't. But the psychological collateral damage can bring on stresses like you have never experienced before, regardless of the happy face you put on everything else.
And believe me, I, from the point of view of one man, haven't scratched the surface here. Cancer is as individual as any other part of your life. But there is another side. Cancer can also help you feel fulfilled as you have never felt before. The world takes on a different look, your priorities can change and you can often learn from all the down sides there are many upsides. You have never had, nor will you have again, a better chance to get know yourself and great extent of your strengths.
But far as how does kidney cancer feel? Depends on you.
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